Saturday, June 30, 2007
It's nearly impossible for me to believe that today marked the halfway point of 2007. I so very vividly remember New Year's Eve. This year looks like it will be divided pretty neatly in half for me: 1). A whirlwind of planning / packing /connecting / traveling / searching / wrapping things up / and moving for the first six months. 2). Trying to find my niche in a new locale and discovering satisfaction in the little things (it seems) for the second six months.
How clearly I remember where I was on New Year's Eve. There was a small and intimate gathering and a miniature worship/prayer service just after midnight. I can still remember specific requests, pleadings, and phrases that were uttered around the room that night (as well as my own unspoken sentiments). It seems cruel that life would only give you so little time to get all this accomplished. It's half way through 2007. I have no idea if I'm a better or worse person than January 1st. Who's to say?
How do you measure progress and regression? Success and failure? Holiness and carnality? How do you know if you've stuck to God's plan for you this year? Being a sentimental guy, I have the tendency to mark days and take things like the halfway point of a year to step back and evaluate. But what is the barometer? Like I alluded to, so far 2007 has been by far the most, um…"full" year of my life. By a long shot. There have been so many varying degrees of emotion and thought and doing and being and living and connecting and trying and failing and succeeding and wallowing and everything else in between. In a way I'm just exhausted. In other ways I'm invigorated and peaceful.
Something funny. Last year Derek and I stopped by Joel Osteen's chuch in Houston. It was early June. For some reason he broke out the whole, "God wants you to know that 2006 is going to be your greatest…year…ever. 2006 is going to be a year of increase. A year of promotion…" bit. He went on and on. I could've sworn it was the first Sunday in January. I don't know if he got confused or pulled up the wrong date on sermonsrus.com or what… I mean, really what does he ever say that's much different than that? But it was funny that he broke out his New Year's message in early June.
Oh yeah…and as I recall, 2006 was not my greatest year yet. It wasn't bad, but it certainly wasn't a year of increase or a year of promotion for me. I wonder what I did wrong.
A random thought…I have no timeframe right now. For so many years it seemed like time was flying by—because it was leading to something. Either school would start back up before long, or I had an impending move, or I had football season for which to prepare at work (which was always a major shift in dynamic there), or I had major travel plans on the horizon, or some sort of life change was on deck. So for years and years it's been, "I can't believe it's only such and such amount of time until…(fill in the blank).
Now? I'm just here. Is this summer flying by? I guess. But what does it all mean? My life is all going to look pretty much the same for a long long time it seems. This is new for me. Even in Nashville—when I didn't know exactly what was next and I had a pretty fixed routine—I still felt temporary overall. This is the first time I haven't felt temporary in a long time. Maybe since early high school. And I don't know what to do with that. It's certainly not a bad thing. It's just been a long time since time was kind of meaningless to me. I'm sure that will change pretty drastically one day though.